


You Are Loved Beyond Measure <3 Pt. 2- The Talk

by brightasstars



Series: Loved Beyond Measure [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Caring Alec Lightwood, Childhood Memories, Comforting Alec, Confessions, Declarations Of Love, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Fluff, Husbands, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood, Sharing, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:54:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24787291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightasstars/pseuds/brightasstars
Summary: Magnus is back to normal, but is curious about what happened at the Spiral Labyrinth.  What follows is a deep conversation between Alec and Magnus that promotes feelings of healing and love.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Loved Beyond Measure [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794622
Comments: 11
Kudos: 137
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	You Are Loved Beyond Measure <3 Pt. 2- The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This story begins right after the first one "You are loved beyond measure" (https://archiveofourown.org/works/24735556).
> 
> The first one needed to be 500 words, but there was no way I could leave all that without them talking.
> 
> The lyrics are from "This is to mother you", Sinead O'Connor

Magnus clicked his fingers and _magicked_ the knocking point, just as Alec had asked him to do. Then he sat, leaning his back into the huge soft pillow and stared at his husband. 

It’s been two days that Magnus has returned to be who he had always been, but Alec just couldn’t keep his mind away from what happened. 

Magnus kept staring at him, knowingly.

“What?”, Alec asked him. 

“You, Alexander tell me what is it. You’ve been acting awkwardly since the incident in the Seelie Realm. When I asked you what happened you have been _elusive_. You and Cat, both. But I know you too well not to catch when there’s something you’re not telling me, -- _or…_ _to say it better --_ when there’s something you really want to tell me, but you don’t know how to bring it up.”

Alec sighed and smiled. Magnus was right. Magnus was always right. He could identify every Alec’s expression, every little change in his voice, every small flinch, every altered breath. Magnus knew them all. The way Alec curled his lips when he concentrated too much, the way he still blushed when the flirting was too explicit, the way he frowned in the attempt of understanding more, and the way he sighed, resigned, every time Magnus caught him holding back.

“Now… where do you want to start from?”

Alec hesitated. He had accidentally witnessed a part of Magnus’ past that his husband had never shared with him. He didn’t want to force him into recalling hurting memories that were _his own_. 

Magnus was centuries years old, and Alec knew that there were things that he would have never known. Partly just because they were far too many to share and recall them all, partly because some of them were sad, and because they still hurt Magnus, and Alec accepted that. It was Magnus’s choice of what to do with his memories.

Magnus saw that Alec was overthinking and decided to give the conversation a little boost.

“Let’s start with what you asked me to do right now. Let’s talk about your T-square ruler… cause I remember it was one _thing_ you were pretty attached to. It was ruined, yes. It has always been since I met you. You told me that Robert had bought it for you at the Shadow Market and that it was the only present you’ve ever had from him,…why…why in the world did you throw it away, after all these years? You haven’t done that not even when you were mad at him…”

There was no way for Alec to avoid this conversation.

“What do you remember? About the other day I mean,” he blurted out.

“I remember what you and Cat have told me. I don’t recall anything on my part. So…I have to rely on you.”

Alec sat beside him and placed his palm on Magnus’ thigh, gently squeezing it.

“I don’t know if it’s right to share this with you, Magnus. I …it’s your past, your life …”

“You’ve already seen it without me knowing, and it’s clearly bothering you more than you care to admit.”

“It’s not _bothering_ me in the way you think it is…”

Magnus smiled. “Are you inferring that you can read my mind?”

Alec shook his head. “Not your mind, your heart.”

Magnus’ gaze softened and he took a deep, long breath. 

“I’m all ears, Alexander.”

Alec scooted closer to Magnus until their hips and shoulders were touching, he leaned his head back on the top of the couch and crossed his long legs on the seat cushion. It had become a habit, every time the things he had to say were more difficult.

“So you were younger than what you are now…”

“This, you have already told me. Actually, it is the only thing you two have told me. That I was younger and that I stayed at the Spiral Labyrinth with you, then we slept there, and everything went back to normal.”

Alec turned his head toward the big window. The twilight colors just added a veil of melancholy to what he was about to say. He sighed, deeply, then he moved back and stared at the ceiling.

“You were a boy, Magnus. Six or seven I think? I don’t know, I didn’t ask you. I didn’t even know how to call you and…”

“Why didn’t you ask me what my name was?”

“Ah… well, you never told your true name to anyone, not even to Ragnor and Cat. I could have never done that to you when you weren’t conscious of what you were doing. If the day ever comes, you will tell me what your name was back then, without me asking. And if you’ll never do that, it’s equally fine. You are _love_ to me, Magnus. Whatever it is the name you carry.”

Magnus swallowed, crossed his arms on his chest, and he brought his legs up, mirroring Alec. He wasn’t prepared to listen to a story about him being _that_ young. 

“Still want to go on?” Alec asked, and Magnus took a moment to think about how much he loved this side of his husband. Alec, so strong and unwavering with the others, that always asked twice, before tiptoeing inside his heart and his memories with a gentleness that he reserved only to him.

Magnus nodded.

Nothing happens by chance, he thought. Maybe the time had come for him to let Alec know and to let him be there for him.

“When I arrived at the Spiral Labyrinth I was damn scared, Magnus. Receiving a call from Cat asking me to go there immediately, well…I was expecting the worse. And when I didn’t see you, I just lost my mind. I shouted at Cat. I… I just can’t control myself when it’s about you.”

He wiped his hands up and down along his thighs, then rested them around his knees.

“She had left you alone in a room and had called me to bring you home with me. Had you already discovered your magic at that age?”

“If I was six or seven, yes, I did. But … no one knew. I was in hiding.”

“You mean your mum was still alive?” Alec’s voice was barely audible. He was so scared to hurt Magnus.

“Yes, she was…”

Magnus was still looking at his legs, it was rare to see him so silent and lost in thoughts. Alec was even afraid to touch him, but then he wrapped an arm around his shoulder and gently pushed Magnus’s head into his neck, curling his palm around the back of his head, tenderly stroking his shaved hair. 

“Ah… when I entered the room you were on the floor, smashed into a corner, curled up in a ball of limbs and black silky hair. You were frightened and shaking…,” he paused giving Magnus the time to ask or add something, but as he stayed silent Alec continued.

“You told me you didn’t want to go back home…,” Alec's voice trembled and he had to stop and breathe because he knew why Magnus didn’t want to.

Magnus never thought it would have been so painful and difficult, talking about his childhood. There had been days when he had completely forgotten what it had been like, or at least the memories got lost in the flow of time, and as far as he didn’t linger on them, they couldn’t hurt him that much. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what to start with.

“Was it that bad?” Alec whispered in his hair and Magnus just nodded. “We didn’t spend the night at the Spiral Labyrinth, of course, I brought you here. When I told you I was going to pick you up and take you away, I expected you to refuse, to say no, to fight back…but you didn’t say anything and you let me. You trusted me to take care of you when you were so vulnerable, I… I was surprised you got along so easily.”

“You took me into your arms?” Magnus asked, visibly shaken.

“Yes. I…I was so worried to scare you, Magnus. I can’t find the right words to tell you what it meant for me, having you in my arms. I felt the urge to show you that you were loved and cared for, that you were precious… I… I’ve never felt a deeper instinct to protect someone as I did the other day. I wanted to tell you how much I loved you, but… I couldn’t, you didn’t even know who I was…”

“You gave me the only thing I was craving for back then … A touch, a hug, a pair of soft and strong arms to protect me …I wandered alone in the streets and then in the world until the Silent Brother took me in…and, they have been family to me, they have protected me and taught me how to live, but…, touch, the tenderness of a hand caressing my skin, the warmth of an embrace, it’s what I have missed the most, what has pushed me into the arms of the wrong people again and again until I found you. I know I don’t usually ask for it… but…even now, being touched with love and affection is the thing I need the most.”

“Like this?” Alec said cradling him against his chest and caressing his back, kissing his temples and his hair. 

“Yes, just like this,” Magnus answered relaxing under Alec’s delicate hands and kisses, “but you already know, and you are so incredible, Alec, because you never need me to ask for it, you do it anyway, and this is a thing I’ll be forever thankful for. Tell me, tell me more. What …what did we do here?”

“You… you didn’t want to leave my arms when we arrived. I convinced you only after I heard your stomach growling and I offered you some food.”

Magnus chuckled. “Food, yes. I was always hungry when I was a child. We hadn’t much food, sometimes, we hadn’t anything to eat for days…so, you won me over with your pancakes?”

“A toast, you wanted a toast. I offered you pancakes but you gave me such a bewildered look that I decided to show you some cheese and ham and you just nodded smiling. When I handed you the food and something to drink, you had the same bright shining smile that made me fall in love with you the very first time and the same sparkle in your eyes. I was so happy I could make you smile that I wanted to crush you into my arms again.”

“A toast then and…something to drink? You didn’t offer me alcohol, did you?” and he giggled.

“Ha, ha, ha… you think it’s funny? I felt as if I had to earn your trust and conquer your heart again. I was not sure what to say, what to do…I offered you an orange juice and you seemed pretty excited to have that…”

“I bet I was, I used to drink green tea every day!”

They were laughing now, together on the couch, Magnus’ noises muffled by Alec’s neck, and Alec kissing him gently here and there.

When the sound of their chuckling dissolved in the air, Alec realized it was dark outside and he thought that the dark part of their conversation still had to happen. 

As if he was reading his husband’s mind Magnus said, “I’m ready for what’s next… come on…”

Alec turned his head and pulled back a little to look Magnus in the eyes, surprised. Magnus tilted his head up, just that little bit to kiss him softly on his lips, and added, “It seems that until this little snack, things have gone pretty well between us, so… I suppose there’s something else that happened.”

Alec fixed his gaze on him, staring at Magnus intensely and turned serious again. 

“Magnus, if you want me to stop anytime, just squeeze my hand or send me whatever signal you want, and we will end this conversation here and now, ok? And no guilt, no regrets, none of that.” 

Magnus rested his head in Alec’s neck again, circling his waist with one arm and placing the other hand on Alec’s chest, just above his heart.

“Yes, I know. Thank you for saying it anyway.”

Alec leaned his head against Magnus and started talking again.

“I thought a boy of your age would enjoy seeing my bow, so I took it, and I grabbed the T-square ruler too, to show you how it worked, but you…,” Alec’s voice trembled, “…you dropped the glass on the floor. You… were afraid I was going to hit you with _that…_ ,” he choked on his last words as his voice turned teary.

Magnus sighed and then stirred against Alec’s body. 

Then the words started flowing out of Alec’s mouth, uncontrolled, fast, and messed as if he wished that Magnus couldn’t catch them properly.

“…and then, then, I came to you and told you I would never hit you, and, and…” 

Alec was panting now, his heart was beating fast and Magnus could feel the loud quick thumps under the hand he held there, “…and I asked you if someone ever did that to you, and you, you…, Magnus…,” a small sob interspersed his words, “Magnus I am so sorry… I…I…,” he didn’t know what to say.

Magnus stiffened, clenching Alec’s shirt in his fist, his grip so tight that his fingers hurt. As Alec was talking, all the days and the nights his stepfather had hit him, came back to his mind. 

How had he thought that those memories could be gone for good? That they were really got erased? They were just buried in his heart, under layers and layers of other memories that Magnus collected through the years, trying to convince himself that he was worth, that he deserved love, that he was safe. 

He hadn’t realized he was crying until he felt Alec’s thumb brushing his cheek.

“He hated me just for being alive…,” Magnus said, his voice brittle and quiet, “… for being there, I was a reminder of something that had happened outside of his control, something that he couldn’t understand. He knew I was different and he supposed that I wasn’t his biological son, so he just beat me every time he had the chance, and if he hadn’t had one, he would have found it. This has been one of the reasons why I forced and trained myself to become as powerful as I could because when I killed him, I decided that I would have never let anyone do that to me again.”

Alec continued to move his hand smoothly along Magnus’ back, sliding it up and down from his neck to his belt, sometimes stopping to trace slow gentle circles just under his shoulder blades, other times letting his fingertips flick over Magnus’ tensed muscles. His nose softly brushed Magnus's hair and his lips were skimming the skin he got in touch with. 

“Sadly,” Magnus resumed, “I didn’t know that wounds and scars are not only a physical thing…you carry them inside of you, for as long as you live. They make you vulnerable and fearful, they make you disheartened and they force you to close yourself off to anyone, and even when you feel safe, as I am with you, sometimes they come back again when you’re less prepared to face them, and they try to mess up all the good things you’ve built and done. They play tricks to your mind and make you believe the voices in your head are true. These memories still hurt me, Alexander, they do. I am sorry I never told you…, wait…,” he stopped abruptly, pulled back and disentangled himself from Alec’s arms, staring at him with gaping eyes. 

His tears were still falling, tracing winding patterns along his cheeks and jaws, as he was going back over the events in his head, a heady awareness sinking into him. 

“You… you threw it away because of this?” he asked barely breathing.

Alec, who had his head still cocked on the side right where Magnus had been just a moment before, shrugged and answered, “Did you really think I could have kept that thing here anymore, knowing what it meant for you? The moment you covered your eyes, I realized that every time I used that ruler, you suddenly reminded you had something to do in another room or found a way to disappear…I’m sorry Magnus I’ve never noticed. I’ve been blind and glib… I could have never kept it here and hold it in my hands again…”

“It was one of the most cherished memories you had about your father, Alexander…”

Alec raised his palm and cradled Magnus’ cheek, always looking at him, wanting him to know that he meant each word he was about to say. 

“No one, no one of my happiest memories is worth your pain. The joy I felt when my father gave me that ruler, is here,” and he clasped the hand Magnus had on his heart, “…here in my heart, and I will carry it inside me forever. That was just an object Magnus, and I don’t want to own a _thing_ that makes you feel uncomfortable and that is a constant reminder of the people who weren’t even worthy of being by your side. Who didn’t deserve you, who have hurt you that bad.”

Alec was still stroking Magnus cheeks with his thumb, slowly brushing the wet skin under his eyes. Magnus closed his eyelids and cherished the gentleness of that caress, the deepness of what Alec had just told him, feeling lighter in the meantime, knowing that now, there was another piece of his life that he shared with him.

Everything, no matter how painful it was, came easier around him. 

“You know…I never thought I would have seen the day Alec… for me to talk about this with someone. In the Silent City, I learned how to use that pain and that fear to grow stronger, to add power and control to my magic, and sadly, sometimes I used it against someone else, turning that fear into rage. Fear it’s a powerful thing, Alexander, if you prevent it from freezing you, it becomes an almost unstoppable weapon. It took me years to learn how to use it, and it took me even more years to unlearn all of it. I…”

“It wasn’t your fault, Magnus.”

“Yes, Alexander. Maybe not my _fault_ , but my _responsibility_ , yes. It was. We always have a choice, even when we can’t see it, and the consequences of what we do…are our responsibilities, forever.”

“You have already paid a high price, Magnus. That… that kind of violence makes you vulnerable. You never stopped shaking into my arms, Magnus, until I hold you tight enough, and then, when you saw me picking up that ruler, you… your nightmares were all you could see, they had transformed me into a monster. The man you were smiling at while you were eating,… you weren’t able to see him anymore. You couldn’t see me for who I really was, I had become the embodiment of your worst fears, and I don’t want this to ever happen again.”

Alec, lovely, darling, and understanding Alec, that always found a way to see the best in him, that always valued the kindness of Magnus' heart above all else.

They remained there, in silence, for a while.

“Then what?” Magnus asked finally.

“I … wrapped you up in my arms and lulled you to sleep,” Alec answered. “You’ve been sleeping in my arms the whole night and in the morning, you were yourself again, pressed against my chest.”

“Alexander…,” Magnus’ voice was trembling, his emotions now a rainbow of colors.

“What?”

“You…, what does it mean _you lulled me to sleep_?”

“Ah… I …,” why was he so embarrassed in answering that question? They were married, and there was nothing that Alec wouldn’t share with Magnus still, he felt so exposed at that moment.

Falling asleep had always been hard for Magnus until he met Alec. As he closed his eyes flashbacks and nightmares haunted him and he ended up wandering around the house, unable to surrender to sleep. 

Magnus didn’t even know what he was expecting Alec to say, he just wanted to know what he had done to make him feel so relaxed and safe.

“I…, oh Magnus, I feel so stupid telling you this now, but it was the only thing I could think of the other day. I rocked you in my arms and I sang you a lullaby, well maybe more hummed words upon a melody.”

Magnus disengaged from Alec’s arms and rose so that he could look at his husband straight into his eyes. Alec’s cheeks were red, maybe as flushed as the first time Magnus had flirted with him, he was fidgeting and biting his lower lip, nervously.

Magnus shook his head incredulously. 

“You sang for me? A lullaby?” he whispered. His eyes were filled with tears again, tears of awe and gratitude.

Alec shrugged, in the attempt to get rid of that silly sense of shame that he knew it shouldn’t be there since he was with Magnus.

“You were so shocked and terrified, and upset, that my mind went straight to what worked for me when I was feeling the same. My grandma used to sing me this song and… after she died, even when I was grown up, in my teens, in my worst nights, when I felt alone and I thought that no one would have ever loved me, I used to hum this to myself…I…I feel so embarrassed right now, Magnus,” he smiled and scratched his head with one hand.

Magnus took his face in his palms. “No one, no one has ever sung a lullaby to me, Alec, no matter how many times I needed that in my long life. I love you.”

“I love you so much, Magnus.”

Magnus closed the distance between them and kissed him, driven by a sentiment too deep and immersive to bring it into words.

The kiss was slow, gentle, salty, and long.

“Are you hungry?” Alec asked as they parted.

“No. I’m tired,” Magnus replied.

Alec nodded smiling. “Me too. Come on, let’s go to bed.” 

He rose from the couch and extended his palm to Magnus who entwined their fingers and followed Alec, toward their bedroom.

They stripped from their clothes, in silence, then cuddled up against each other under the silky cool sheets, and Magnus flicked the lights off.

The sky outside was dark, full of black heavy clouds, and they could hear the sounds of a thunderstorm quickly approaching.

Alec’s chest was pressed against Magnus’ back and his arms were enclosing him in a tight embrace. His warm, steady breath skimmed Magnus’ hair. 

“Alec?” Magnus breathed out.

“Mmm?”

“You don’t have to say yes, and if you don’t want to, I totally understand, but… will you sing that to me again? Right now?”

Alec chuckled softly and answered, “Just because it’s pitch black and you can’t see me…”

He adjusted his head so that his lips were gently pressed on Magnus’ ear and started humming a loving, sweet, beguiling melody.

_This is to mother you_

_To comfort you and get you through_

_Through when your nights are lonely_

_Through when your dreams are only blue_

_This is to mother you._

Alec was glad for the deep darkness that surrounded them. Magnus had opened his heart to him, but in singing this song, he was sharing an important part of his past too, of his lonely nights at the Institute, when all the other guys were hanging out together and he believed that he would have died young and alone.

_This is to be with you_

_To hold you and to kiss you too_

_For when you need me I will do_

_What your own mother didn't do_

_Which is to mother you._

He had had a family, yes, but tenderness wasn’t well regarded by Shadowhunters' mothers and women, not even toward their kids. They had to train them to become ruthless and fearless soldiers and warriors. 

_All the pain that you have known_

_All the violence in your soul_

_All the 'wrong' things you have done_

_I will take from you when I come_

_All mistakes made in distress_

_All your unhappiness_

_I will take away with my kiss, yes_

_I will give you tenderness_

He knew Magnus had done things he wasn’t proud of, and he was conscious that many of them had been done on purpose, with cruelty and awareness still, he knew that Magnus had a caring and gentle heart who had turned hard because he had been hurt so many times. Alec was going to make him believe, for the rest of his days, that the things he had done, the words he had said didn’t define him as a human being. Magnus had made mistakes, he had made amends and he had worked hard to become a better version of himself. This was the only thing that was important to Alec.

_For child I am so glad I've found you_

_Although my arms have always been around you_

_Sweet bird although you did not see me_

_I saw you_

_And I'm here to mother you._

As the words reached Magnus’ heart, he couldn’t hold back the tears that welled up, grateful for that unspeakable, perfect, infinite, wild, and pure happiness he was feeling. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> If you liked this fic "You Are Loved Beyond Measure Pt 2: The Talk" won't you give a kudo/comment? It'd be greatly appreciated! Thank you ! :D  
> 
> 
> Come and say hi on Tumblr (brightasstars.tumblr.com)


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